Four Cousins of Lonliness

Okay - so this was supposed to be post number 2 of 2 for the 1st of Feb - but I got busy.

Anyhoo - Sunday was spent socialising with some really cool friends (including the Married Ones) and lets name the other the 'Happy to be single and is holding out for Bryan Adams One', or HTBSAIHOFBAO....hmmm... Maybe just BA.

Anyway we went to lunch at BA's house - and as I got there first - We opened a 1.5 litre bottle of Four Cousins. Not wanting to gloat about how much of a connoisseur I am when it comes to the vino, I let the fact that this particular brand did not come in the highly sought after, cardboard box, slip.

After my 13th glass, my 9th cigarette and my 6th drunken text, we as a group, decided to watch some dvd's. The choices were Bryan Adams in Concert, Celine Dion in Concert and Westlife...you guessed it....in Concert. Simply ecstatic and euphoric at the choices I opted for the lesser of the three evils... Opening up the next bottle of Four Cousins. But alas, I was outvoted and on came the soppy emotional cutting, vomit inducing music.

In my state of drunken deliriousness I started to feel something that I havent in quite a while. Raw. And no - not raw to the core as I am sure some people were thinking. But exposed. I started to listen to the lyrics - and realized they came from someone. They were born out of someones experiences. Someone wrote these amazing lyrics cos they felt something so powerful they had to have a forum to release it. It just made me sad I guess. I miss that kind of big grand and incoceivable love. The kind of love that drives people to write some of the most moving and magnifcent sentiments of all time. And I know Celine Dion - is like - totally freaky - and Bryan Adams is like - totally scarecrow-y. But just listen to what they are saying in songs like 'If you ask me to' and 'Heaven'. It really is beautiful.

Needless to say I opened up the teeny tiny box in my head that stores the secret that I am alone - and have been for a long time - And I had to think about it. And then to be able to move on with my life and get out of bed and go to work - I had to close the box again. Its so much easier to float along the surface - completely oblivious to your feelings, fears, hopes and dreams. Its so much easier for me to ignore the simple fact that if I actually allowed myself the freedom to feel how I really feel, that the empty hollowness would be so earth shatteringly devastating that I would not be able to sit still. Not being able to eat, sleep, think or even go to the bathroom without the nagging sensation that something is eating my insides is something I am trying to steer well clear of.

Im over him. Well and Truly. But I'm not over being alone. And thats what hurts.