The Agony and the Ecstacy....

Well - its been an interesting week - and one thing that i have been pondering lots over the last week is the age old balance of pleasure vs pain...

This all started with a play that i saw starring Dame Judie Dench (god - how gay am I?) - called Madamme de Sade - a brief synopsis - against her mother's wishes, Renee (Judie Denches daughter) remains vehemently devoted to her husband, the Marquis de Sade, the notorious aristocrat imprisoned in the Bastille for his lurid escapades and licentious behaviour. He basically invented sadomasochism. Now the play was very dramatic (so right up my alley - infact - at one point, Renee coins the phrase 'he built up a cathedral of lies' - and i have already stored this in my drama bank for future arguments) and at another point, as Judie dench is about to strike her daughter, she stops her and replies, 'What would you do if I curled up with pleasure' - so all in all it made me think a lot about what we do to ourselves. I have always found in my own life that I am quite masochistic - i choose the wrong guys, I ignore the ones that like me, and i spend years mourning all the failed relationships that never had a chance. And why do i do it? I do firmly believe that for some reason i enjoy the pain -it translates to being pleasureable - so you see - the problemo is moi!

I have seen this predicament also documented in pop culture. My favourite episode of Sex and the City is La Doleur Exquise - Season3 (God hooooooooooow gay am I!?) - translated as the exquisite pain - I will never forget the closing sequence in which Carrie admits that she is addicted to the pain - the exquisite pain of wanting someone so unattainable. She finally leaves Big and says she is free but there is nothing exquisite about it. Unfortunately - me being the drama queen that I am - has taken this simple form of entertainment and turned it into some kind of manifesto. But i think the reason that all these shows are so successful is because people can relate. So when i found myself in the situation of loving someone - so unattainable - using this show to relate to my own story became very easy.

So yes - while I am definitely better psychologically now than i was 2 years ago - I still find myself making some terrible mistakes - but I have accepted that it is part of the growing up thing - speaking of which - I turned 25 this week :( - It felt amazing that I still have such a strong connection with people all over the world as they wished me well - and I didnt really feel as homesick as I normally do - but today - I have accepted that I am feeling really nervous, scared anxious and uneasy about moving - I dont know how things are going to pan out - but the one thing i am really happy about is that i know i am not moving to revive a relationship that was always dead.

So on Saturday the ex flatmate is finally starting her bike ride from London to Sydney - we are going to the Greenwich Meriddean Line (zero degrees - the only place where you can stand in both the western and eastern hemispheres) to see her off - and i am already psyching myself up to crying my eyes out (brief history - she was my saviour here in london - life would be really depressing had I not met her which was a completely random occurunce - serendipity infact!) so again the issue of the pleasure of the pain resurfaces.....

Anyway - just thought I would put that one out there - if no one else relates - please let me know - so I can start upping the dosage on some meds and wine!!!!!

I hope this post doesnt actually sound depressing - cos I must admit the last week has been incredibly exciting - I spent my birthday in the sun under Picadilly Circus and acknowledged how lucky I am - and I also got to see Van Goghs Sunflowers and Cyprusses with Wheatfields - AND a Monet - not to mention not being and grotty old work for a week! OMG - and I kissed a really really realllllllllllllly hot guy -

I will leave you one final saying I heard -

'Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Cos it feels sooo good when i stop....'

Until next time -

Much love and Later Dayz,

CM