Goodbyes the saddest word I'll ever hear...

Okay - so I dont blog that often. Its a discipline. Im not good at discipline. I break rules, challenge authority and am generally a deviant....Sue me!

Anyway - I know i spend more time commeting on blogs then i do writing my own - but hey - im consistent. There is a reason though - I just havent been able to find the time lately. Some of you may know that I am making my way back from dirrrty ole london town - to the sunny sands of SA. At first when i made the decision - I was really excited. But now that the time is nigh - I am feeling incredibly nervous. Im not one for regrets, and I dont regret my decision - but I am starting to really see how different things are going to be - and even worse - how much I am going to miss everyone (people at work included).

It was my work leaving drinks last Friday - and having everyone come out to be festive and celebrate (not to mention buy me loads of free drinks!) - just made me realise what strong friendships and relationships I have managed to harvest maintain and grow. Its going to be really sad to say goodbye. Not to mention all my non work friends - who I have basically met since coming here (I knew not a soul when i came up here). Its been such an incredible journey - and I knew it would be sad - but I hate saying goodbye - I freaking hate it!!! Arrrgh!

Add to that the incredible sunshine we have had here - and the amazing weekends I have had (and still to have) and to leave it all behind - well I know I made that choice - but its still hard - What else? I baked 112 quadruple chocolate cookies - bought lots of red velvet cupcakes for everyone. I came out to my personal trainer in my drunken stupor - who said I was his best client - snaps :) - things are going well with the new boy - but I havent told him I am leaving yet - sucky - I know - hmmmm.....going to meet my flatmate in Greece - who is well underway with her epic bike ride from London to Brisbane....oh yes - and watching Britains got talent while drinking Vodka Tonics on this amazing summer day!!!!

Until next time - which will hopefully be a bit more meaningfull!!! Much love and later Dayz -
CM!

The Agony and the Ecstacy....

Well - its been an interesting week - and one thing that i have been pondering lots over the last week is the age old balance of pleasure vs pain...

This all started with a play that i saw starring Dame Judie Dench (god - how gay am I?) - called Madamme de Sade - a brief synopsis - against her mother's wishes, Renee (Judie Denches daughter) remains vehemently devoted to her husband, the Marquis de Sade, the notorious aristocrat imprisoned in the Bastille for his lurid escapades and licentious behaviour. He basically invented sadomasochism. Now the play was very dramatic (so right up my alley - infact - at one point, Renee coins the phrase 'he built up a cathedral of lies' - and i have already stored this in my drama bank for future arguments) and at another point, as Judie dench is about to strike her daughter, she stops her and replies, 'What would you do if I curled up with pleasure' - so all in all it made me think a lot about what we do to ourselves. I have always found in my own life that I am quite masochistic - i choose the wrong guys, I ignore the ones that like me, and i spend years mourning all the failed relationships that never had a chance. And why do i do it? I do firmly believe that for some reason i enjoy the pain -it translates to being pleasureable - so you see - the problemo is moi!

I have seen this predicament also documented in pop culture. My favourite episode of Sex and the City is La Doleur Exquise - Season3 (God hooooooooooow gay am I!?) - translated as the exquisite pain - I will never forget the closing sequence in which Carrie admits that she is addicted to the pain - the exquisite pain of wanting someone so unattainable. She finally leaves Big and says she is free but there is nothing exquisite about it. Unfortunately - me being the drama queen that I am - has taken this simple form of entertainment and turned it into some kind of manifesto. But i think the reason that all these shows are so successful is because people can relate. So when i found myself in the situation of loving someone - so unattainable - using this show to relate to my own story became very easy.

So yes - while I am definitely better psychologically now than i was 2 years ago - I still find myself making some terrible mistakes - but I have accepted that it is part of the growing up thing - speaking of which - I turned 25 this week :( - It felt amazing that I still have such a strong connection with people all over the world as they wished me well - and I didnt really feel as homesick as I normally do - but today - I have accepted that I am feeling really nervous, scared anxious and uneasy about moving - I dont know how things are going to pan out - but the one thing i am really happy about is that i know i am not moving to revive a relationship that was always dead.

So on Saturday the ex flatmate is finally starting her bike ride from London to Sydney - we are going to the Greenwich Meriddean Line (zero degrees - the only place where you can stand in both the western and eastern hemispheres) to see her off - and i am already psyching myself up to crying my eyes out (brief history - she was my saviour here in london - life would be really depressing had I not met her which was a completely random occurunce - serendipity infact!) so again the issue of the pleasure of the pain resurfaces.....

Anyway - just thought I would put that one out there - if no one else relates - please let me know - so I can start upping the dosage on some meds and wine!!!!!

I hope this post doesnt actually sound depressing - cos I must admit the last week has been incredibly exciting - I spent my birthday in the sun under Picadilly Circus and acknowledged how lucky I am - and I also got to see Van Goghs Sunflowers and Cyprusses with Wheatfields - AND a Monet - not to mention not being and grotty old work for a week! OMG - and I kissed a really really realllllllllllllly hot guy -

I will leave you one final saying I heard -

'Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Cos it feels sooo good when i stop....'

Until next time -

Much love and Later Dayz,

CM

Chickens make me nostalgic and homesick

Hmm.... After actually getting nandos and a bottle of cheap tacky cava last night as a peace offering to the unreasonable and insane sister, I couldn’t help but find the following two adverts which appeared in my inbox this morning….well….hilarious. ....








Of course the phrasing of the Amore advert has put me off eating the leftovers tonight – somehow the prospect of knowing where their …ahem….chickens have been doesn’t really appeal to me. Also the UK version of the popular proudly south african fast food franchise is a bit of a disappointment really – I am not sure I can justify spending 400ZAR on a chicken – (a dried up cardboard one to boot!) and don’t even get me started on the livers – (shivers)

Anyhoo – I am feeling a little relaxed today as the Hitler wannabe disciplinarian with no soul (aka my boss) is away for the rest of the week – and while I can feel his presence all over me like a bad case of razor burn – knowing he is here in spirit only is a lot more bearable for my weak constitution. I am also looking forward to a weekend of peace and quiet. The sister is away skiing on a work trip – so I have the flat to myself
(Brief History : I moved to London in 2007 mainly to get away from a very unhealthy relationship and kind of figure out things – the relationship wasn’t actually a romantic relationship – but rather a friendship with relations if you catch my drift (was also my first gay experience) – Anyhoo I also wanted to get away from my family and this is gonna sound corny – but I will say it anyway - I wanted to find myself. When I arrived I knew not a soul – but since then I have built up a really good life for myself. I did things I never dreamed possible – and became a lot more honest with people – coming out one by one to the people important to me. By no means am I over with this journey of stepping out of the closet and into the sunlight – but I am making progress – with the overwhelming one of telling my folks fast approaching. Unfortunately though – one by one – people from my past have sort of followed me to London which has made it difficult for me to balance my new self and my old self – but essentially I have been able to at least distinguish who is important to me and needs to know who I authentically am – and who is just really there for a good time. So I have grown a lot and don’t want to lose this newfound independence. My sister is the latest person to stalk me though – and she arrived in Jan this year and is now living with me. After many dramatic fights, things are now civil – and I hope to keep them that way until my departure!)

Sorry – that wasn’t much of a brief history – but I try :)
Back to this weekend though – I am looking forward to chilling with a big cup of tea, seasons 1-4 of greys anatomy (again) and maybe, just maybe a cake – all by myself (God I am such an old granny) – London really leaves you longing for any kind of personal space! I also plan on watching reruns of American Idol which I have pvr’d and sleeping till noon. I am so freaking excited! Hopefully I will get a chance to see the ex flatmate as well. Finally I will be putting some finishing touches on my plan – the big plan – of what to do with my life. One thing living here has taught me is that I am not motivated by this career that I am in. I am however motivated by an exceptional quality of life. While the search for a lifetime partner is always on my mind I have decided to not focus on it and rather focus on me. I want to come back home – swim everyday – get at least 3 hours of sitting in the sun – scratch my dogs bellies – lie in my hammock and read a new book everyday – and just generally increase serotonin levels! But then again everyone wants that – but I do feel I can do this without selling my soul like I currently do for a pittance of a salary and absolutely no quality of life.

Anyhoo – I seem to have started one way today and ended another! Apologies for the spastic thoughts – I just write them as they enter my cluttered cupboard of a mind, and I know that I am trying to convince myself every day that this is right!

Happy April people! 13 days to go before I officially hit my quarter life crisis. God – somebody please tell me it gets easier! Gotta get back to work sadly – I only rocked up at 10am – and have yet to do a single thing!

Much love and Later Dayz,
Cm :)

Just by the by

Ola -

Well its Sunday night here in dreary London - daylight savings has finally ended (or started?!) whatevs - basically we gained an hour of sunlight today - its alright - it basically means summer has officially started. Not sure how I am feeling right now - it was the flatmates farewell party last night - and after a hectic night of socos and cokes - i am incredibly sombre morose and miserable...

Ah well! I must say the huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge fight i had with my sister the entire weekend didnt help either. Add to that working till 1am the whole of last week - and still not finding my soulmate (and i wore my best jeans this weekend!) and you can guess that I am pretty stoked to almost be in bed....

Not really much to say i guess - not sure what to write anymore - this whole fight has really put me off - and while i want to blog about it to get some outside perspective - I really dont have the energy to relive all the drama....

Shoo....

Let me instead recount the positives from the last week - hmmm....ooh - baked red velvet cupcakes!!!! So seductively scrumptious! Here is what they look like....

Mmmm...................

I have to be careful though - my really healthy regime is now officially in the past

(Brief history : I used to be {obsessively} dedicated. Gymmed everyday - ate spinach straight out the bag 3 times a day - had smoothies with whey - was part of the run club...etc...etc )

Since returning from Egypt, Christmas visiting SA and post holiday blues - i have yet to keep an appointment with my trainer (but my shrink has more than benefited from his cancellations!)

Soon i am going to look like this :(

So before i turn into the lovable fat boy that people want to repetitively poke in the stomach - i need to get back to being that fighting fit lean machine! (Also - having a 6 pack wont hinder my chances in the already shallow gay love department me thinks)...

Hmmmm...... i think thats about it for now...

Note to self - listening to slip sliding away while drinking gin and tonic does not help serotonin levels! Must endeavour to not fight and be happy!!!!

Oh SA! I miss you :(

Transitioning...

Well hello there to anyone who is reading this. This is my first official blog on this website - and after a very short stint on news 24 I'm somehow finding this outlet a little more up my alley.

Anyway this is going to be a really brief blog - as it's close to midnight here in dirrrty ole Londontown - and I am really pooped. I finished work less then two hours ago - not because I really had a lot to do - but more so because my role as the general dogs body and occastional tea lady requires me to churn out nonsensical irrelevant graphs at warp speed with one hand - and stir the milk and two sugars with the other hand....Add that to the yoke that's around my neck courtesy of my boss and I am not a very happy chappy.

I shouldnt complain too much though - my job here, in the now crumbling uk banking industry, has allowed me to do the things that I have always dreamed of doing (seeing the Sistien Chapel - going to a Wimbledon match - having high tea at the ritz - partaking in the binge drinking culture and puking on my freshly dry cleaned suit...) and for that I will always be grateful.

But unfortunately along with the anti social drinking culture that prevails here in the uk (particularly amongst the finance workers) I also have to deal with a whole barrage of office politics which makes me feel like I am living on another universe when I compare it to my experiences and the people in SA.

Anyway - to get to the point of this blog - today I made the decision! To transition from London back to where my heart really is - which is home - Sunny Seductive SA. So after months of not knowing what is going to become of my life - I finally have the resignation date in mind and am arranging to book a plane ticket accordingly! What I will be doing when I get back is another story altogether - all I know is that I never want to work for a corporate again - too many ridiculous issues - and not enough creative energy.

Unfortunately though - as good as I feel about my news - I feel inconsolably depressed that my amazing flatmate is leaving too - this weekend infact. She has been my saviour here in this cold city - and I am thankful everyday that I got to cross paths with someone so incredible. I dont really have the time to get into all the things that she has done with her life that make her one of the strongest woman on the planet that I know, but I will say that she is leaving London to return home to Australia - but refuses to take a plane - and is instead cycling (on a mountain bike) all the way from London to Brisbane!

Crazy i hear you say - but believe me - if anyone can do it - its her. Needless to say that now as it is at the point where we are packing her stuff into boxes - and making sure we are not taking each others dvds and books - I am feeling a little low. So again - I am transitioning from living with a very cool wicked and fantastic person - to living without one...

And finally as it fast approaches midnight - I am transitioning from conciousness to (hopefully) a peaceful slumber....I would love to keep on writing - as this is therapeutic - but sleep beckons and i am a slave to REM's

Peace out -
Much Love and Later Dayz -
CM :)