The Agony and the Ecstacy....

Well - its been an interesting week - and one thing that i have been pondering lots over the last week is the age old balance of pleasure vs pain...

This all started with a play that i saw starring Dame Judie Dench (god - how gay am I?) - called Madamme de Sade - a brief synopsis - against her mother's wishes, Renee (Judie Denches daughter) remains vehemently devoted to her husband, the Marquis de Sade, the notorious aristocrat imprisoned in the Bastille for his lurid escapades and licentious behaviour. He basically invented sadomasochism. Now the play was very dramatic (so right up my alley - infact - at one point, Renee coins the phrase 'he built up a cathedral of lies' - and i have already stored this in my drama bank for future arguments) and at another point, as Judie dench is about to strike her daughter, she stops her and replies, 'What would you do if I curled up with pleasure' - so all in all it made me think a lot about what we do to ourselves. I have always found in my own life that I am quite masochistic - i choose the wrong guys, I ignore the ones that like me, and i spend years mourning all the failed relationships that never had a chance. And why do i do it? I do firmly believe that for some reason i enjoy the pain -it translates to being pleasureable - so you see - the problemo is moi!

I have seen this predicament also documented in pop culture. My favourite episode of Sex and the City is La Doleur Exquise - Season3 (God hooooooooooow gay am I!?) - translated as the exquisite pain - I will never forget the closing sequence in which Carrie admits that she is addicted to the pain - the exquisite pain of wanting someone so unattainable. She finally leaves Big and says she is free but there is nothing exquisite about it. Unfortunately - me being the drama queen that I am - has taken this simple form of entertainment and turned it into some kind of manifesto. But i think the reason that all these shows are so successful is because people can relate. So when i found myself in the situation of loving someone - so unattainable - using this show to relate to my own story became very easy.

So yes - while I am definitely better psychologically now than i was 2 years ago - I still find myself making some terrible mistakes - but I have accepted that it is part of the growing up thing - speaking of which - I turned 25 this week :( - It felt amazing that I still have such a strong connection with people all over the world as they wished me well - and I didnt really feel as homesick as I normally do - but today - I have accepted that I am feeling really nervous, scared anxious and uneasy about moving - I dont know how things are going to pan out - but the one thing i am really happy about is that i know i am not moving to revive a relationship that was always dead.

So on Saturday the ex flatmate is finally starting her bike ride from London to Sydney - we are going to the Greenwich Meriddean Line (zero degrees - the only place where you can stand in both the western and eastern hemispheres) to see her off - and i am already psyching myself up to crying my eyes out (brief history - she was my saviour here in london - life would be really depressing had I not met her which was a completely random occurunce - serendipity infact!) so again the issue of the pleasure of the pain resurfaces.....

Anyway - just thought I would put that one out there - if no one else relates - please let me know - so I can start upping the dosage on some meds and wine!!!!!

I hope this post doesnt actually sound depressing - cos I must admit the last week has been incredibly exciting - I spent my birthday in the sun under Picadilly Circus and acknowledged how lucky I am - and I also got to see Van Goghs Sunflowers and Cyprusses with Wheatfields - AND a Monet - not to mention not being and grotty old work for a week! OMG - and I kissed a really really realllllllllllllly hot guy -

I will leave you one final saying I heard -

'Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Cos it feels sooo good when i stop....'

Until next time -

Much love and Later Dayz,

CM

Chickens make me nostalgic and homesick

Hmm.... After actually getting nandos and a bottle of cheap tacky cava last night as a peace offering to the unreasonable and insane sister, I couldn’t help but find the following two adverts which appeared in my inbox this morning….well….hilarious. ....








Of course the phrasing of the Amore advert has put me off eating the leftovers tonight – somehow the prospect of knowing where their …ahem….chickens have been doesn’t really appeal to me. Also the UK version of the popular proudly south african fast food franchise is a bit of a disappointment really – I am not sure I can justify spending 400ZAR on a chicken – (a dried up cardboard one to boot!) and don’t even get me started on the livers – (shivers)

Anyhoo – I am feeling a little relaxed today as the Hitler wannabe disciplinarian with no soul (aka my boss) is away for the rest of the week – and while I can feel his presence all over me like a bad case of razor burn – knowing he is here in spirit only is a lot more bearable for my weak constitution. I am also looking forward to a weekend of peace and quiet. The sister is away skiing on a work trip – so I have the flat to myself
(Brief History : I moved to London in 2007 mainly to get away from a very unhealthy relationship and kind of figure out things – the relationship wasn’t actually a romantic relationship – but rather a friendship with relations if you catch my drift (was also my first gay experience) – Anyhoo I also wanted to get away from my family and this is gonna sound corny – but I will say it anyway - I wanted to find myself. When I arrived I knew not a soul – but since then I have built up a really good life for myself. I did things I never dreamed possible – and became a lot more honest with people – coming out one by one to the people important to me. By no means am I over with this journey of stepping out of the closet and into the sunlight – but I am making progress – with the overwhelming one of telling my folks fast approaching. Unfortunately though – one by one – people from my past have sort of followed me to London which has made it difficult for me to balance my new self and my old self – but essentially I have been able to at least distinguish who is important to me and needs to know who I authentically am – and who is just really there for a good time. So I have grown a lot and don’t want to lose this newfound independence. My sister is the latest person to stalk me though – and she arrived in Jan this year and is now living with me. After many dramatic fights, things are now civil – and I hope to keep them that way until my departure!)

Sorry – that wasn’t much of a brief history – but I try :)
Back to this weekend though – I am looking forward to chilling with a big cup of tea, seasons 1-4 of greys anatomy (again) and maybe, just maybe a cake – all by myself (God I am such an old granny) – London really leaves you longing for any kind of personal space! I also plan on watching reruns of American Idol which I have pvr’d and sleeping till noon. I am so freaking excited! Hopefully I will get a chance to see the ex flatmate as well. Finally I will be putting some finishing touches on my plan – the big plan – of what to do with my life. One thing living here has taught me is that I am not motivated by this career that I am in. I am however motivated by an exceptional quality of life. While the search for a lifetime partner is always on my mind I have decided to not focus on it and rather focus on me. I want to come back home – swim everyday – get at least 3 hours of sitting in the sun – scratch my dogs bellies – lie in my hammock and read a new book everyday – and just generally increase serotonin levels! But then again everyone wants that – but I do feel I can do this without selling my soul like I currently do for a pittance of a salary and absolutely no quality of life.

Anyhoo – I seem to have started one way today and ended another! Apologies for the spastic thoughts – I just write them as they enter my cluttered cupboard of a mind, and I know that I am trying to convince myself every day that this is right!

Happy April people! 13 days to go before I officially hit my quarter life crisis. God – somebody please tell me it gets easier! Gotta get back to work sadly – I only rocked up at 10am – and have yet to do a single thing!

Much love and Later Dayz,
Cm :)