Okay - its been a miiiiiiiiiiiighty long time since I have done one of these - And there has been far too much that has happened. Each major life changing event deserves a post of its own - so I shan't go into anything here - other than what I actually want to talk about.
Weddings.
Those of you who know me will know that I am a cynic to the core. Recently reminded that my mantra of choice was 'I am going to die alone with my face eating cat', I had to take a step back and examine my behaviour at the last wedding I attended this Saturday past. Even more concerning then sitting on a hedge thinking it was a ledge and somersaulting backward causing me to lose my keys and already badly cracked iPhone (hey - this is what Lady Gaga meant in Just Dance!) as well as making a rather obvious pass at an obviously straight man, horror upon horror, I cried! Genuinely cried! Me. Stone Cold and Heartless Me.
In any event - its been a year of weddings for me. Having attended at least 8, and losing all but one of my friends to a set of vows, its also been a year of complete freedom for me - I have come clean with everyone. Somehow thinking this would be the first push of a set of dominoes that would eventually leave me happy and wed - sadly not much has changed. So i was rather amazed that I was able to actually indulge in such tangible emotions - but I have figured it out!
This post is not my usual sob story of how sad and depressing life is for me - how I will probably never be able to find what I am looking for - how I feel that nothing has ever worked out properly (eeeek - I am doing it already! STOP!). This post is a small story about how happy I am for my friend.
This being the only shindig that I actually wanted to be at (and baked for - yes people - get excited!) it showed me the real point behind it all. Its about two people - being grown up enough to actually make a loyal and devoted commitmment to each other. Its not some soppy declaration of mushy feelings - but rather two people commiting to building a life together. In a world full of chaos and invariable transience - two people who couldnt be a better fit were able to affirm their decision to be bound together forever - this is the key thing I was able to take from this day.
So this is just my little way of wishing my good friend Nachos Sensei and her husband a lifetime of lifetimes of happiness.
See - and you thought I was a cynic!
Wednesday 17 November 2010
Friday 18 June 2010
High Tea and Scones
Good god its been a while - there are quite a few posts that I have meant to blog about but been lazy with - so Im going to shoot them out one after the other until I feel up to date.
I last wrote about the festivities around my birthday. Being me, it had to be a month long string of celebrations, and what better way to spend an afternoon than being treated to high tea at the Westcliffe by the Cool Sister.
I felt like I was nowhere near Joburg when the transfer vehicle picked us up at reception and drove up a 90 degree incline into a deep forest. Having what I can only describe as guilty pleasures in forests in my past, I was pleasantly surprised to be greeted by a waitron with an apron as crisp as a Crinkle Cut and as white as a Ku Klux Klan member. He kindly pointed out that it was a 'self serve all you can eat tea buffet' and we could order refreshments at our table. Completely oblivious to the words being said past the point of 'all you can eat' I circled the buffet.
What stood there was the most opulent and decadent display of pastries and cakes I had ever seen. The cool sis and I once had tea at the Ritz, but did somehow manage to keep some degree of composure due to the snooty waiter decanting one macaroon at a time into our dainty saucers. This time however, it was all free game. Now I must point out that I am not one for sweet treats. Give me a loaf of bread and a pot of pasta anyday. But being of Asian descent, I felt the uncontrollable urge to stuff custard confectionaries in any and every conceivable crevice take over.
Ten minutes,5 quiches, 8 cucumber sandwiches, 2 slices of carrot and chocolate cake, 1 scone and 3 pots of tea later, and I was man down. The Cool sister was even worse, complaining that she could feel an absyss under her arm beating as a result of all the sugar.
Another 20 minutes later and I was convinced the spots I was seeing was the precursor to a diabetic coma. I still however made a b-line to the cheese board. 30 minutes later and I was escorted off the premises, but I took solace in the fact taht I had the entire danish isle of Woolworths sandton down my skants.
I last wrote about the festivities around my birthday. Being me, it had to be a month long string of celebrations, and what better way to spend an afternoon than being treated to high tea at the Westcliffe by the Cool Sister.
I felt like I was nowhere near Joburg when the transfer vehicle picked us up at reception and drove up a 90 degree incline into a deep forest. Having what I can only describe as guilty pleasures in forests in my past, I was pleasantly surprised to be greeted by a waitron with an apron as crisp as a Crinkle Cut and as white as a Ku Klux Klan member. He kindly pointed out that it was a 'self serve all you can eat tea buffet' and we could order refreshments at our table. Completely oblivious to the words being said past the point of 'all you can eat' I circled the buffet.
What stood there was the most opulent and decadent display of pastries and cakes I had ever seen. The cool sis and I once had tea at the Ritz, but did somehow manage to keep some degree of composure due to the snooty waiter decanting one macaroon at a time into our dainty saucers. This time however, it was all free game. Now I must point out that I am not one for sweet treats. Give me a loaf of bread and a pot of pasta anyday. But being of Asian descent, I felt the uncontrollable urge to stuff custard confectionaries in any and every conceivable crevice take over.
Ten minutes,5 quiches, 8 cucumber sandwiches, 2 slices of carrot and chocolate cake, 1 scone and 3 pots of tea later, and I was man down. The Cool sister was even worse, complaining that she could feel an absyss under her arm beating as a result of all the sugar.
Another 20 minutes later and I was convinced the spots I was seeing was the precursor to a diabetic coma. I still however made a b-line to the cheese board. 30 minutes later and I was escorted off the premises, but I took solace in the fact taht I had the entire danish isle of Woolworths sandton down my skants.
Friday 16 April 2010
BIrthdays Anniversaries and Pancakes
Okay - going to summarise the last few days in a blog post cos there were some eventful happenings that I wish to share with you lovely people.
Firstly it was the Married Ones 7 year anniversary. 7 years since they first got together. The Man Married One was hard at work so I went over to keep the Lady Married One company. We moaned abit about work - and then the Man Married One came home and told me what he told his wife earlier in the day.
It went something like this - 'I dont want to put a time frame on how long we have been together. We are soulmates and were destined to be together for an eternity. The energy that we share will transcend this life - and putting a time on how long we have been together dilutes the power and meaning of our love.'
Cute hey! I almost cried. I think its so sweet when someone expresses their feelings in a profound and pure way. I of course started thinking how much I want someone to feel that way about me. Anyhoo - we all went to a friends birthday that night - and two nights later (as in last night) it was mines!
I had an awesome day away from work - and was surrounded by really cool wonderful people. Several bottles were present. Including one that was on fire. The hangover has set in - but I shall recover for tea at the Westcliffe! I am currently stuffing my face with pancakes to feel better.
Needless to say another year older - a teeensy bit wiser. A new country. A new car. A new start. With no old loves. I really hope this is the year that things change for me. That I have the courage to come clean with my parents (a little side note - the progress I have made with everyone else in my life is something I am proud of). But still. I have been putting off telling them for months now.
Ive always been told how I have changed peoples lives. Im not trying to sound like an arrogant ass here - but countless people have told me that I have come in to their lives and altered their worlds. They think I am awesome. They really do. And this year I want to believe it too. And maybe, just maybe, someone will think that I am awesome enough to be with forever.
Firstly it was the Married Ones 7 year anniversary. 7 years since they first got together. The Man Married One was hard at work so I went over to keep the Lady Married One company. We moaned abit about work - and then the Man Married One came home and told me what he told his wife earlier in the day.
It went something like this - 'I dont want to put a time frame on how long we have been together. We are soulmates and were destined to be together for an eternity. The energy that we share will transcend this life - and putting a time on how long we have been together dilutes the power and meaning of our love.'
Cute hey! I almost cried. I think its so sweet when someone expresses their feelings in a profound and pure way. I of course started thinking how much I want someone to feel that way about me. Anyhoo - we all went to a friends birthday that night - and two nights later (as in last night) it was mines!
I had an awesome day away from work - and was surrounded by really cool wonderful people. Several bottles were present. Including one that was on fire. The hangover has set in - but I shall recover for tea at the Westcliffe! I am currently stuffing my face with pancakes to feel better.
Needless to say another year older - a teeensy bit wiser. A new country. A new car. A new start. With no old loves. I really hope this is the year that things change for me. That I have the courage to come clean with my parents (a little side note - the progress I have made with everyone else in my life is something I am proud of). But still. I have been putting off telling them for months now.
Ive always been told how I have changed peoples lives. Im not trying to sound like an arrogant ass here - but countless people have told me that I have come in to their lives and altered their worlds. They think I am awesome. They really do. And this year I want to believe it too. And maybe, just maybe, someone will think that I am awesome enough to be with forever.
Monday 12 April 2010
Jaded in Johannesburg
So a partner in crime was down from London this weekend past, which led to eleven too many tequila shots. Being blotto on the dancefloor led to some of the most interesting shapes being cut, but it was all fun.
Needless to say Saturday called for a greasy breakfast. Feeling adventurous, a group of us decided to try out Tashas in Morningside. Unlike Mickey D's where we usually start our day (and loving it) we were asked to get a number and wait in line. Being a party of 5, we had plenty to talk about so none of us really minded, hangovers included. Fifteen minutes into it though, the grumpiness from the heat and hunger resulted in some of us getting slightly tempremental. At the moment when I had plucked up enough courage to spew a myriad of filthy expletives at the manager, we were escorted to a rather primely positioned table. Of course we dont have mountains or breezy coastal views in JHB, so lucious locations are restricted to a corner table with both sunlight and shade, and overlooking the parking lot.
Happy that my order of huevos rancheros was in, I scoped the room and was shocked at what I saw. A collection of Sandtons most beautiful men, seductively sipping on skinny cappucinos to keep up with their skinny bitch image (let me just clarify here - a skinny bitch is a confused bitch - its a disease - yes - this coming from the person who refuses to add any salt or sugar to food - sad - i know)....
Anyhoo. There was one guy in particular who I could not take my eyes off. It was like he belonged in a photo shoot and I half expected his crew to leap out from behind the fake plants and touch up his hair. He was single, and clearly gay, but at a table of equally beautiful man. It was the Edward Cullen Canteen table. Feeling incredibly hungover and schloompfy I could only manage oogling him from behind my obnoxiously gigantic Prada.
Completely ignoring my group and sporadically interjecting with a 'Ja, Uhm Hmm. What back door delivery?' I was fascinated by something else. The cars. Aston Martins, Ferraris, Porsches. It was like the set of Top Gear. What really bugged me about the whole day though, was that these people were complete show offs! It was all about their flashy designer gear and even flashier auto mobiles. I knew this was the case when the Lexus started driving parallel to the restaurant and almost ran my chair over. I mean - seriously. How Jaded are these people?! Its so easy to get caught up in this shallow meaningless existance that this city seems to promote. I know some of you are thinking I too have fallen prey by buying the most ridiculous eyewear - not to mention Cooper Cullen, but its entirely different. CC was always my dream. No matter what fashion trends came and went, anyone who has ever known me has known that I have always wanted a mini - and I made that dream a reality for me - no one else - and certainly not so that I could do more laps around the parking lot then Schumacher does in a grand Prix. And the sunnies - again something I do totally for my benefit - noone elses.
I know you are probably thinking these people are entitled to show off their wealth - and sure they are - but dont drive over my chair when I am sipping my skinny cappucino to do so!
Needless to say Saturday called for a greasy breakfast. Feeling adventurous, a group of us decided to try out Tashas in Morningside. Unlike Mickey D's where we usually start our day (and loving it) we were asked to get a number and wait in line. Being a party of 5, we had plenty to talk about so none of us really minded, hangovers included. Fifteen minutes into it though, the grumpiness from the heat and hunger resulted in some of us getting slightly tempremental. At the moment when I had plucked up enough courage to spew a myriad of filthy expletives at the manager, we were escorted to a rather primely positioned table. Of course we dont have mountains or breezy coastal views in JHB, so lucious locations are restricted to a corner table with both sunlight and shade, and overlooking the parking lot.
Happy that my order of huevos rancheros was in, I scoped the room and was shocked at what I saw. A collection of Sandtons most beautiful men, seductively sipping on skinny cappucinos to keep up with their skinny bitch image (let me just clarify here - a skinny bitch is a confused bitch - its a disease - yes - this coming from the person who refuses to add any salt or sugar to food - sad - i know)....
Anyhoo. There was one guy in particular who I could not take my eyes off. It was like he belonged in a photo shoot and I half expected his crew to leap out from behind the fake plants and touch up his hair. He was single, and clearly gay, but at a table of equally beautiful man. It was the Edward Cullen Canteen table. Feeling incredibly hungover and schloompfy I could only manage oogling him from behind my obnoxiously gigantic Prada.
Completely ignoring my group and sporadically interjecting with a 'Ja, Uhm Hmm. What back door delivery?' I was fascinated by something else. The cars. Aston Martins, Ferraris, Porsches. It was like the set of Top Gear. What really bugged me about the whole day though, was that these people were complete show offs! It was all about their flashy designer gear and even flashier auto mobiles. I knew this was the case when the Lexus started driving parallel to the restaurant and almost ran my chair over. I mean - seriously. How Jaded are these people?! Its so easy to get caught up in this shallow meaningless existance that this city seems to promote. I know some of you are thinking I too have fallen prey by buying the most ridiculous eyewear - not to mention Cooper Cullen, but its entirely different. CC was always my dream. No matter what fashion trends came and went, anyone who has ever known me has known that I have always wanted a mini - and I made that dream a reality for me - no one else - and certainly not so that I could do more laps around the parking lot then Schumacher does in a grand Prix. And the sunnies - again something I do totally for my benefit - noone elses.
I know you are probably thinking these people are entitled to show off their wealth - and sure they are - but dont drive over my chair when I am sipping my skinny cappucino to do so!
Wednesday 7 April 2010
21sts were meant only for 21 year olds.
After the dreaded wedding was done and dusted, I naturally assumed the forced family festivities would be too. How wrong I was. My dancing shoes barely had time to breathe before I had to pop myself back into something appropriate and by extension uncomfortable, and head to a 21st.
Now most people would assume that a 21st would be a fun way to spend an evening. These people have not been to a 21st hosted by the guest of honours obnoxious indian grandmother. Firstly it was due to start at 11am. Yes thats right, 11am. Having already decided that any time after breakfast is a socially acceptable hour to begin a days debauchery, I wolfed down my cornflakes. After lining my stomach for what I assumed would be an endless parade of canopes and cocktails, I headed to what can only be decribed as an abandoned whore house to where the party was scheduled to be held.
Upon entering I knew that I was in for a long afternoon. Instead of thin young fabulous people I was stared down by a bunch of old sari wearing aunties, and their unequivocally bored hubbies. After scoping out the open bar (that was completely desserted as everyone was too self concious to have a drink in front of their elders), I slowly started towards it, tumbleweeds blowing behind me. I could have sworn I heard someone gasp when I politely mouthed 'g-i-n-a-n-d-t-o-n-i-c' to the confused barman.
I was ushered by the 21ster to the '21 table' where 8 of her friends were, as I was not quite young enough to sit with the 6 year olds and not quite old enough for the 60 year olds. I sat at the table catching snippets of the most meaningless converstaional debate I have ever heard in my life. Words like Justin Bieber','hot','cute','slore','matinee' and 'jersey shore' were thrown around. Feeling like the dirty old pervert who sits at the back of the bar talking to himself, I found myself positioned next to a real fashionista. Dressed top to toe in the latest designer gear, she eyed me out cautiously.
RF : Uhm....Hi. Im Real Fashionista.
Me: Im Closer to 30 than I am to 20.
RF: Are you ok? You seem to be shaking.
Me: Its a side effect of old age. Dont you want to get me another drink.
RF: Uhm can i have a sip?
ME: Hell no. I will smack you right here if I ever see you drinking. OH GOD - Ive turned into my mother!
RF: Uhm....Im going to go over there.
Having successfully cleared the table, I secretly sank my final drink and stumbled out of the dark room into the light, and amazingly enough, it reminded me of being 21.
Now most people would assume that a 21st would be a fun way to spend an evening. These people have not been to a 21st hosted by the guest of honours obnoxious indian grandmother. Firstly it was due to start at 11am. Yes thats right, 11am. Having already decided that any time after breakfast is a socially acceptable hour to begin a days debauchery, I wolfed down my cornflakes. After lining my stomach for what I assumed would be an endless parade of canopes and cocktails, I headed to what can only be decribed as an abandoned whore house to where the party was scheduled to be held.
Upon entering I knew that I was in for a long afternoon. Instead of thin young fabulous people I was stared down by a bunch of old sari wearing aunties, and their unequivocally bored hubbies. After scoping out the open bar (that was completely desserted as everyone was too self concious to have a drink in front of their elders), I slowly started towards it, tumbleweeds blowing behind me. I could have sworn I heard someone gasp when I politely mouthed 'g-i-n-a-n-d-t-o-n-i-c' to the confused barman.
I was ushered by the 21ster to the '21 table' where 8 of her friends were, as I was not quite young enough to sit with the 6 year olds and not quite old enough for the 60 year olds. I sat at the table catching snippets of the most meaningless converstaional debate I have ever heard in my life. Words like Justin Bieber','hot','cute','slore','matinee' and 'jersey shore' were thrown around. Feeling like the dirty old pervert who sits at the back of the bar talking to himself, I found myself positioned next to a real fashionista. Dressed top to toe in the latest designer gear, she eyed me out cautiously.
RF : Uhm....Hi. Im Real Fashionista.
Me: Im Closer to 30 than I am to 20.
RF: Are you ok? You seem to be shaking.
Me: Its a side effect of old age. Dont you want to get me another drink.
RF: Uhm can i have a sip?
ME: Hell no. I will smack you right here if I ever see you drinking. OH GOD - Ive turned into my mother!
RF: Uhm....Im going to go over there.
Having successfully cleared the table, I secretly sank my final drink and stumbled out of the dark room into the light, and amazingly enough, it reminded me of being 21.
Tuesday 30 March 2010
Wedding Blues
Hi. Its been a while. But I have been busier then Ricky Martins public relations officer. Plus Cooper Cullen keeps me busy.
Anyhoo, I am in hot, humid and sometimes horrifying Durbs. I came down for a wedding. My cousin's wedding. My cousin who is the same age as me who I grew up with and who managed to bag herself a good rich man and settle down.
You would think that most of the family would be pre occupied with her good fortune....but alas.....I was faced with the Durban equivalent of a Spanish inquisition at which I had to defend my case of why I am still unmarried - and synonomous with that sentiment - unworthy of being alive. Fearing that I was about to be chained and burnt at the stake for commiting the ultimate sin (being single at age 25) I quickly chirped that I was happy to be single and was not concerned with any small town notions of getting bunked up with some misfit just for the sake of it. The fact that in my mind the misfit in question would have to be capable of growing facial hair is something I kept to myself. I was annoyed yes, but not to the point where I was ready to kill half my family by coming out at such a public affair!
Anyway. The wedding was beautiful. My cousin made a heart wrenching speech in which she spoke about her late dad (my moms brother) and I started thinking about how different our lives would have been if things didnt happen that way. I also selfishly though about how our relationship would have remained as tight as it was. The fact that we grew apart is just as much my responsibility as anyones. We were kids and we had some really good memories but I do regret us growing apart. All of the emotions involved made me incredibly sad. Dont get me wrong - I am extremely happy for her. She has married the boy of her dreams (literally - I remember her confessing her undying love of him to me when we were 6). So she really is a living example of fairy tales and dreams and hopes and all things magical and innocent coming true.
But it made me sad for me. It was such a wild, vivid, colourful, loud and festive celebration. Indian weddings are just like the movies. Dramatic, bold and intense. The celebrations last for days - and the fact that so many people are present make it a complete sensory overload.
I will never have that. Never. No matter how acceptable it becomes, no matter how progressive this world gets, no matter what my families reaction is I will never have that. Its not just about being gay. Its also about what you invariably have to give up in the process. I hate it sometimes. Really hate it. I hate being the funny gay friend that can be invited to a ladies night and be seen as one of the girls and who offers relationship advice to everyone else because I am so cool. Im tired of it. I want to be the lead role in someone's life. I want to mean something to someone. I want to celebrate it. I want to celebrate it in a wide, obnoxious, insanely festive way. I want to celebrate with a whole exhibition hall full of people. I want people to be happy for me that I have not just married someone, but that inspite of living in a world full of chaos and invariable transience, I have managed to find someone kind, warm, funny and loving who always has my best interests at heart.
Im alone now and have been for a while. Even if I am able to find someone awesome, I will never be able to celbrate it the way that it was done this last weekend.
Its sad. And it sucks. And its my life. Its my future. I dont want to accept it. But i have to.
Maybe one day it wont feel as raw and exposed as it feels now.
But for now - I am really sad. And I really hate it.
Anyhoo, I am in hot, humid and sometimes horrifying Durbs. I came down for a wedding. My cousin's wedding. My cousin who is the same age as me who I grew up with and who managed to bag herself a good rich man and settle down.
You would think that most of the family would be pre occupied with her good fortune....but alas.....I was faced with the Durban equivalent of a Spanish inquisition at which I had to defend my case of why I am still unmarried - and synonomous with that sentiment - unworthy of being alive. Fearing that I was about to be chained and burnt at the stake for commiting the ultimate sin (being single at age 25) I quickly chirped that I was happy to be single and was not concerned with any small town notions of getting bunked up with some misfit just for the sake of it. The fact that in my mind the misfit in question would have to be capable of growing facial hair is something I kept to myself. I was annoyed yes, but not to the point where I was ready to kill half my family by coming out at such a public affair!
Anyway. The wedding was beautiful. My cousin made a heart wrenching speech in which she spoke about her late dad (my moms brother) and I started thinking about how different our lives would have been if things didnt happen that way. I also selfishly though about how our relationship would have remained as tight as it was. The fact that we grew apart is just as much my responsibility as anyones. We were kids and we had some really good memories but I do regret us growing apart. All of the emotions involved made me incredibly sad. Dont get me wrong - I am extremely happy for her. She has married the boy of her dreams (literally - I remember her confessing her undying love of him to me when we were 6). So she really is a living example of fairy tales and dreams and hopes and all things magical and innocent coming true.
But it made me sad for me. It was such a wild, vivid, colourful, loud and festive celebration. Indian weddings are just like the movies. Dramatic, bold and intense. The celebrations last for days - and the fact that so many people are present make it a complete sensory overload.
I will never have that. Never. No matter how acceptable it becomes, no matter how progressive this world gets, no matter what my families reaction is I will never have that. Its not just about being gay. Its also about what you invariably have to give up in the process. I hate it sometimes. Really hate it. I hate being the funny gay friend that can be invited to a ladies night and be seen as one of the girls and who offers relationship advice to everyone else because I am so cool. Im tired of it. I want to be the lead role in someone's life. I want to mean something to someone. I want to celebrate it. I want to celebrate it in a wide, obnoxious, insanely festive way. I want to celebrate with a whole exhibition hall full of people. I want people to be happy for me that I have not just married someone, but that inspite of living in a world full of chaos and invariable transience, I have managed to find someone kind, warm, funny and loving who always has my best interests at heart.
Im alone now and have been for a while. Even if I am able to find someone awesome, I will never be able to celbrate it the way that it was done this last weekend.
Its sad. And it sucks. And its my life. Its my future. I dont want to accept it. But i have to.
Maybe one day it wont feel as raw and exposed as it feels now.
But for now - I am really sad. And I really hate it.
Wednesday 10 March 2010
Meet Cooper Cullen
Hello.
I would like you meet someone.....The latest addition to my family. Its little Mini Cooper Cullen.
Say Hello MCC....
He is shy...And why wouldnt he be. He is undeniably gorgeous, incredibly well behaved and sumptuously sexxxy (okay I know babies arent supposed to be sexy, and i am by no means a paedophile, so lets assume that he is 17 years old...oh wait....thats statutory rape.....okay he is 18).
While I was tempted to post the actual picture of him - I dont want to give away my identity and license plates. Next thing you know I have an army of stalkers just begging for a ride....hmmm on second thoughts maybe its not such a bad idea.
Anyway - below is a picture of his twin brother. The real Cooper Cullen is more beautiful though. I assure you. .....
Rats - the link isnt working (well I attach a web url instead). My baby coops would never be so disagreeable!
http://images5.ecarlist.com/photos/1490_271394/271394_001_7908.jpg
Anyway, I cant write for long. Mustn't neglect the work that is now necessary to pay my crippling finance payment. Every time I think I am dunzo with work I just take one look at him and realise, he (and I) are worth it....
I would like you meet someone.....The latest addition to my family. Its little Mini Cooper Cullen.
Say Hello MCC....
He is shy...And why wouldnt he be. He is undeniably gorgeous, incredibly well behaved and sumptuously sexxxy (okay I know babies arent supposed to be sexy, and i am by no means a paedophile, so lets assume that he is 17 years old...oh wait....thats statutory rape.....okay he is 18).
While I was tempted to post the actual picture of him - I dont want to give away my identity and license plates. Next thing you know I have an army of stalkers just begging for a ride....hmmm on second thoughts maybe its not such a bad idea.
Anyway - below is a picture of his twin brother. The real Cooper Cullen is more beautiful though. I assure you. .....
Rats - the link isnt working (well I attach a web url instead). My baby coops would never be so disagreeable!
http://images5.ecarlist.com/photos/1490_271394/271394_001_7908.jpg
Anyway, I cant write for long. Mustn't neglect the work that is now necessary to pay my crippling finance payment. Every time I think I am dunzo with work I just take one look at him and realise, he (and I) are worth it....
Thursday 25 February 2010
Ode to a brilliant piece of machinery
Ok - Its been a busy few weeks....
My poor baby overheated (no - Im not talking about Eva the Ewe here). My darling Fiat which I have owned since my student days seems to have breathed her last breath. I got her in 2005 as an Honours Student at Wits and she has been with me ever since. She loyally got me to my lectures on time and even helped me get home after the many drinking sessions at Zoo Lake. Then when I started working she took me straight to the office – and then at lunch to Monte Casino to at least try and get me out of the rat race. She saw me through heartbreaks, good times, birthdays, funerals, S&M clubs and even my stint in London.
Im fully convinced that she sensed I was shopping around for a new set of wheels – and decided to act up. Having invested more money in her than I have on my drinking habit (which I can assure you is SIGNIFICANT!) I decided to go ahead and trade her in.....
I got to the dealership – with tears in my eyes – and rubbed her bonnet. I told her I was sorry, thanked her for all the memories and assured her that she would find a good home and someone who would understand her needs as well as I did – but also someone with the car smarts to actually make a tangible difference.
I will greatly miss her quirks. How I had to hit the left door speaker for the radio to come on. The central locking protocol that needed to be adhered to for her to actually lock (latching the passenger door 5 times, which then opened and closed all other doors, before finally having to lock each door manually).
She really was a beauty and I will forever be indebted to her for the guidance, reliability and counsel that she almost always provided me with.....
This one’s for you my darling.
Im fully convinced that she sensed I was shopping around for a new set of wheels – and decided to act up. Having invested more money in her than I have on my drinking habit (which I can assure you is SIGNIFICANT!) I decided to go ahead and trade her in.....
I got to the dealership – with tears in my eyes – and rubbed her bonnet. I told her I was sorry, thanked her for all the memories and assured her that she would find a good home and someone who would understand her needs as well as I did – but also someone with the car smarts to actually make a tangible difference.
I will greatly miss her quirks. How I had to hit the left door speaker for the radio to come on. The central locking protocol that needed to be adhered to for her to actually lock (latching the passenger door 5 times, which then opened and closed all other doors, before finally having to lock each door manually).
She really was a beauty and I will forever be indebted to her for the guidance, reliability and counsel that she almost always provided me with.....
This one’s for you my darling.
(Yes - she even made it through being hit by a bus)
Monday 15 February 2010
Love and Lust
Okay – so I don’t really know what to write today – So I have opted to ramble instead in light of some conversations that took place last night at the Married ones.
They just got back from a Valentines Weekend away – and being as awesome as they are – I was their collective Valentine! Trying to not take it as fittingly tragic that I my only Valentines were married, I took it for what it was – and incredible gesture (cupcakes sent to me at work) that made me feel very positive about my life. In any event – the evening started as it so often does – with gossip and grey’s – while we awaited the arrival of the hard at work husband.
He came home in a lighter mood than usual – and told me how happy he is to be married to who he is married to. He compared his feelings to the often irrationally inconceivable feelings of Shakespeare’s greatest lovers. For once it didn’t make me sad to hear such a dramatic declaration of love. It made me happy that two of my closest friends were able to find something so rare in each other. The rare aspect being that their feelings were not unrequited.
I harboured (or so I thought) the same intense feelings for someone who really did not care for me at all and I was often made to feel very silly indeed for thinking that I knew what love was. I know now that he was right. Even though he was such a big presence in my life – he never loved me. Not the way I needed. And so I think to have someone reciprocate those grand wild and insane feelings would be what it’s supposed to be like. Will it ever happen? I really don’t know. I think maybe it comes from getting older – but I have to accept that it may never happen – and I don’t say this in a defeated way – I just think that it’s more realistic. I’m pasting in some lyrics from a song I stumbled across on my way to work....And I think it’s really beautiful. And I can safely say I have felt this way before – the fact that it is well and truly over doesn’t take away from my feelings in the slightest – and the fact that I was capable of something great even though he wasn’t shouldn’t be taken away from me.
When the rain is blowing in your face
They just got back from a Valentines Weekend away – and being as awesome as they are – I was their collective Valentine! Trying to not take it as fittingly tragic that I my only Valentines were married, I took it for what it was – and incredible gesture (cupcakes sent to me at work) that made me feel very positive about my life. In any event – the evening started as it so often does – with gossip and grey’s – while we awaited the arrival of the hard at work husband.
He came home in a lighter mood than usual – and told me how happy he is to be married to who he is married to. He compared his feelings to the often irrationally inconceivable feelings of Shakespeare’s greatest lovers. For once it didn’t make me sad to hear such a dramatic declaration of love. It made me happy that two of my closest friends were able to find something so rare in each other. The rare aspect being that their feelings were not unrequited.
I harboured (or so I thought) the same intense feelings for someone who really did not care for me at all and I was often made to feel very silly indeed for thinking that I knew what love was. I know now that he was right. Even though he was such a big presence in my life – he never loved me. Not the way I needed. And so I think to have someone reciprocate those grand wild and insane feelings would be what it’s supposed to be like. Will it ever happen? I really don’t know. I think maybe it comes from getting older – but I have to accept that it may never happen – and I don’t say this in a defeated way – I just think that it’s more realistic. I’m pasting in some lyrics from a song I stumbled across on my way to work....And I think it’s really beautiful. And I can safely say I have felt this way before – the fact that it is well and truly over doesn’t take away from my feelings in the slightest – and the fact that I was capable of something great even though he wasn’t shouldn’t be taken away from me.
When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I would offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love
When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love
I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong
I'd go hungry, I'd go blind for you
I'd go crawling down the aisle for you
There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love
The storms are raging on a rolling sea
Down the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
But you ain't seen nothing like me yet
There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
Make you happy, make your dreams come true
To make you feel my love
And now to lighten the mood – I paste an image of what I think these feelings look like visually.
And now to lighten the mood – I paste an image of what I think these feelings look like visually.
Tuesday 9 February 2010
Valentino
After having semi recovered from my earlier meltdown this morning (thanks for the support people) I now feel ready to go into a topic I have been dreading.....Valentines Day.
The only Saint I am an ardent supporter of is Saint Amand (the patron saint of bartending, wine production, etcetera....) So it comes as no surprise that the prospect of living through another Saint Valentines Day alone, miserable and fat leaves me feeling less than warm and fuzzy inside.
People who know me know that I absolutely loathe and detest the festivities surrounding the 14th of February. Lovesick teenagers, candy hearts, confessions of unrequited love, attestations of love so powerful it can move mountains (Seriously - if you can do that you should have made your millions by now el bonehead)....Okay so I am cynical. But it bugs me. It bugs me that there are so many dumb oblivious people who have found what I have spent most of my adult life looking for. I mean, my favourite episode of Greys features Merediths overbearing mother shouting at her for being so ordinary by talking about happiness and love when she was raised to be extraordinary. 'Any idiot can fall in love, but not everyone can pick up a scalpel and save a life'....
Dramatic, I know, I try.
Anyhoo - this year is particularly tough for me - as while I normally abhor the thought of partaking in anything remotely Valentiney, last year my incredible flatmate vandalised my room with red helium balloons from floor to ceiling, confetti, candy, lovebug stuff and a card with words I will treasure forever. And the whole day I was spitting venom at everyone I caught holding hands on the tube. How she managed to do all that without me knowing I still dont know. She did all that to convert me - and for that I am forever grateful. But this year she off on this amazing bike ride from London to Australia, currently somewhere in Malaysia, and I miss her. She came into my life compeltely randomly and its days like that that make you realise how much of a united front your friends - your people - can represent.
Anyway - although its another year alone and another year older, Im also thinking that maybe, just maybe, its another year wiser.
Miserable
This is going to be a short one. I woke up at 7 - went to gym - thought I would leave at 8:45 so I would miss the traffic. I was in an excellent mood.
I spent one and a half hours travelling in seecond gear and got to work at 10:00.
I cried in the car....
I dont know if I can do this.
I spent one and a half hours travelling in seecond gear and got to work at 10:00.
I cried in the car....
I dont know if I can do this.
Monday 1 February 2010
Four Cousins of Lonliness
Okay - so this was supposed to be post number 2 of 2 for the 1st of Feb - but I got busy.
Anyhoo - Sunday was spent socialising with some really cool friends (including the Married Ones) and lets name the other the 'Happy to be single and is holding out for Bryan Adams One', or HTBSAIHOFBAO....hmmm... Maybe just BA.
Anyway we went to lunch at BA's house - and as I got there first - We opened a 1.5 litre bottle of Four Cousins. Not wanting to gloat about how much of a connoisseur I am when it comes to the vino, I let the fact that this particular brand did not come in the highly sought after, cardboard box, slip.
After my 13th glass, my 9th cigarette and my 6th drunken text, we as a group, decided to watch some dvd's. The choices were Bryan Adams in Concert, Celine Dion in Concert and Westlife...you guessed it....in Concert. Simply ecstatic and euphoric at the choices I opted for the lesser of the three evils... Opening up the next bottle of Four Cousins. But alas, I was outvoted and on came the soppy emotional cutting, vomit inducing music.
In my state of drunken deliriousness I started to feel something that I havent in quite a while. Raw. And no - not raw to the core as I am sure some people were thinking. But exposed. I started to listen to the lyrics - and realized they came from someone. They were born out of someones experiences. Someone wrote these amazing lyrics cos they felt something so powerful they had to have a forum to release it. It just made me sad I guess. I miss that kind of big grand and incoceivable love. The kind of love that drives people to write some of the most moving and magnifcent sentiments of all time. And I know Celine Dion - is like - totally freaky - and Bryan Adams is like - totally scarecrow-y. But just listen to what they are saying in songs like 'If you ask me to' and 'Heaven'. It really is beautiful.
Needless to say I opened up the teeny tiny box in my head that stores the secret that I am alone - and have been for a long time - And I had to think about it. And then to be able to move on with my life and get out of bed and go to work - I had to close the box again. Its so much easier to float along the surface - completely oblivious to your feelings, fears, hopes and dreams. Its so much easier for me to ignore the simple fact that if I actually allowed myself the freedom to feel how I really feel, that the empty hollowness would be so earth shatteringly devastating that I would not be able to sit still. Not being able to eat, sleep, think or even go to the bathroom without the nagging sensation that something is eating my insides is something I am trying to steer well clear of.
Im over him. Well and Truly. But I'm not over being alone. And thats what hurts.
Anyhoo - Sunday was spent socialising with some really cool friends (including the Married Ones) and lets name the other the 'Happy to be single and is holding out for Bryan Adams One', or HTBSAIHOFBAO....hmmm... Maybe just BA.
Anyway we went to lunch at BA's house - and as I got there first - We opened a 1.5 litre bottle of Four Cousins. Not wanting to gloat about how much of a connoisseur I am when it comes to the vino, I let the fact that this particular brand did not come in the highly sought after, cardboard box, slip.
After my 13th glass, my 9th cigarette and my 6th drunken text, we as a group, decided to watch some dvd's. The choices were Bryan Adams in Concert, Celine Dion in Concert and Westlife...you guessed it....in Concert. Simply ecstatic and euphoric at the choices I opted for the lesser of the three evils... Opening up the next bottle of Four Cousins. But alas, I was outvoted and on came the soppy emotional cutting, vomit inducing music.
In my state of drunken deliriousness I started to feel something that I havent in quite a while. Raw. And no - not raw to the core as I am sure some people were thinking. But exposed. I started to listen to the lyrics - and realized they came from someone. They were born out of someones experiences. Someone wrote these amazing lyrics cos they felt something so powerful they had to have a forum to release it. It just made me sad I guess. I miss that kind of big grand and incoceivable love. The kind of love that drives people to write some of the most moving and magnifcent sentiments of all time. And I know Celine Dion - is like - totally freaky - and Bryan Adams is like - totally scarecrow-y. But just listen to what they are saying in songs like 'If you ask me to' and 'Heaven'. It really is beautiful.
Needless to say I opened up the teeny tiny box in my head that stores the secret that I am alone - and have been for a long time - And I had to think about it. And then to be able to move on with my life and get out of bed and go to work - I had to close the box again. Its so much easier to float along the surface - completely oblivious to your feelings, fears, hopes and dreams. Its so much easier for me to ignore the simple fact that if I actually allowed myself the freedom to feel how I really feel, that the empty hollowness would be so earth shatteringly devastating that I would not be able to sit still. Not being able to eat, sleep, think or even go to the bathroom without the nagging sensation that something is eating my insides is something I am trying to steer well clear of.
Im over him. Well and Truly. But I'm not over being alone. And thats what hurts.
Sunday 31 January 2010
Flat Ass
So - I think I will be generous and provide you with two groundbreaking posts today. As you can see from the title this one is going to be heavily peppered with hard hitting journalism. I guess I have a lot to say today - so one lighthearted and one serious should work. Compromise. Lovely.
Anyhoo - I was told yesterday that I have a flat ass. HORRIFIED by this statement I ran to the nearest mirror. I just dont understand it. I looked at my (hot) reflection and my worst fears were confirmed. Not even squatting like a frog made my ass pop.
Now I know youre thinking how could I not be cosmically aware of the dimensions of my derriere - butt here is breif background. At school I had a huge ass courtesy of my mother. I was very self concious about it - as I looked like I belonged in some kind of indeginous tribe. J-Lo had nothing on me. I used to pray that it would disappear - and by some miracle these prayers were answered. Now however - all I have left is a flat ass in place of the bubble butt that used to reside there. As an adult - having this post protrusion is considered very aesthetically pleasing.
Now all I pray for is a big ole ass. I want me a baller caller ass. I want to be able to walk into a club and have people rest their drinks on my ass and I dont even know its there. I want the ever elusive 'shelf'. I want an ass like Miss Sophia on the Colour Purple. Or even Beyonce would do.
For the moment...Im stuffing.....
Anyhoo - I was told yesterday that I have a flat ass. HORRIFIED by this statement I ran to the nearest mirror. I just dont understand it. I looked at my (hot) reflection and my worst fears were confirmed. Not even squatting like a frog made my ass pop.
Now I know youre thinking how could I not be cosmically aware of the dimensions of my derriere - butt here is breif background. At school I had a huge ass courtesy of my mother. I was very self concious about it - as I looked like I belonged in some kind of indeginous tribe. J-Lo had nothing on me. I used to pray that it would disappear - and by some miracle these prayers were answered. Now however - all I have left is a flat ass in place of the bubble butt that used to reside there. As an adult - having this post protrusion is considered very aesthetically pleasing.
Now all I pray for is a big ole ass. I want me a baller caller ass. I want to be able to walk into a club and have people rest their drinks on my ass and I dont even know its there. I want the ever elusive 'shelf'. I want an ass like Miss Sophia on the Colour Purple. Or even Beyonce would do.
For the moment...Im stuffing.....
Thursday 28 January 2010
Love Lockdown
A very controversial topic. I was asked the other day if I am still doing the 'Online Thing'. While I have more online profiles floating around in cyber space then NASA has satelites in real space, I am not actively involved in finding my other half at the moment.
Im no stranger to manufacturing an alias. I have been McDreamy, McSteamy, McCookieMonster, JarJarBinx, Jaba The Hut (my fat days), RideThePole, ClimbThe12inchMountainToHeaven, WhoresAmI and my all time favourite RideMyAssLikeZorro.
Ok - So Im not actually that crude (please believe me). But for me - online love affairs have not churned out the Jane Austen romance that I always dreamed of as a little girl. Uhm... Well you know what I mean. Splendour in the Grass is a very different tale to Spleandour in the ass.
I have had my fair share of circus freaks too. There was the married alcoholic doctor. The only reason I continued dating him was the mere fact that he bore a striking resemblance to Jude Law. But the alcoholism was a deal breaker. Theres only room for one boozehound in my relationships.....Besides he drank all my wine.
Then there were some less frightening creatures whom I actually liked but I was thrown the infamous 'Lets just be friends' sorrygram.
Then there were some less frightening creatures whom I actually liked but I was thrown the infamous 'Lets just be friends' sorrygram.
So all in all - my batting odds have not been good over the last three years. One real love. (Not via an online method). Two pieces of a heart after it died. Countless dates. Even more countless kisses with frogs (from my clubbing days). No real realationships.
Hmmmm. Not so good! I am however hoping that Micahel Bubles latest hit rings true - I just havent met you yet. 
Monday 25 January 2010
El Dentista
So the weekend started off a bit rocky for me. Firstly and most disappointingly, my scale revealed that I had gained 500g in the past week. This hit me harder than Edward reuniting with that faceless hag Beeno in New Moon (I think thats her - name - it escapes me)
Anyhoo - after a week of running till I saw spots, chasing away the meat heads in the weight section and the infamous bugs bunny diet (raw carrots and water), I was expecting the scale to launch me into space for being the one weightless person in the galaxy. Launch me - it did not. Instead it rudely shouted out the numbers at me - and followed the already painful insult with a 'Better luck next time you fat ass bad mammer jammer'
Now excited by the prospect of eating everything in my fridge (including an entire tub of butter) I felt my mood lifting. Then it dawned on me that I had a frightful appointment with....the Dentist.
Eat - I did not. Instead I brushed my teeth and tested my breath. I entered the dental surgery with trepidation - I knew my stint in the UK left me with less than perfect teeth thanks to the glory that is the NHS - but what awaited me was even more shocking. Enter Dr. McHottie Patottie. This man was so beautiful I thought I would faint when he shook my hand.
He asked the usual questions and began his examination...
Dr MHP: I see you have a cavity....
Me: Are you going to be the bad boy that fills it?
Dr MHP: Open Wide please
Me: Why I never! Without the offer of a drink at the very least? How easy do you think I am?
DR MHP: Could you please stop talking so I can drill and fill your cavity?
Me: What the hell kind of shop are you operating here? Do you speak to all your patients like this (*please say no*!)
Dr MHP: Sir - you have a decaying tooth. I would like to remove the decay, and replace it. Your jokes are old and tired.
Me: Okay okay - so you arent gonna buy me a drink - but how about hooking me up with that there anesthetic?
The beautiful doctor then proceeded to get very far into my mouth. I was afraid that I would knock him out with my noxious halitosis breath - but he instead commented on how sparkly my teeth were. Quite bemused at being told I was as strikingly beautiful as Edward Cullen (well in my head anyway) I let the poor doctor finish his work, while only occasionaly trying to lick his gloved hand.
I left feeling frustrated and tired. I had spent an hour in a confined room with one of the hottest men alive who saw more of me than some of my previous lovers, leaving with all my clothes on and a bill.
Anyhoo - after a week of running till I saw spots, chasing away the meat heads in the weight section and the infamous bugs bunny diet (raw carrots and water), I was expecting the scale to launch me into space for being the one weightless person in the galaxy. Launch me - it did not. Instead it rudely shouted out the numbers at me - and followed the already painful insult with a 'Better luck next time you fat ass bad mammer jammer'
Now excited by the prospect of eating everything in my fridge (including an entire tub of butter) I felt my mood lifting. Then it dawned on me that I had a frightful appointment with....the Dentist.
Eat - I did not. Instead I brushed my teeth and tested my breath. I entered the dental surgery with trepidation - I knew my stint in the UK left me with less than perfect teeth thanks to the glory that is the NHS - but what awaited me was even more shocking. Enter Dr. McHottie Patottie. This man was so beautiful I thought I would faint when he shook my hand.
He asked the usual questions and began his examination...
Dr MHP: I see you have a cavity....
Me: Are you going to be the bad boy that fills it?
Dr MHP: Open Wide please
Me: Why I never! Without the offer of a drink at the very least? How easy do you think I am?
DR MHP: Could you please stop talking so I can drill and fill your cavity?
Me: What the hell kind of shop are you operating here? Do you speak to all your patients like this (*please say no*!)
Dr MHP: Sir - you have a decaying tooth. I would like to remove the decay, and replace it. Your jokes are old and tired.
Me: Okay okay - so you arent gonna buy me a drink - but how about hooking me up with that there anesthetic?
The beautiful doctor then proceeded to get very far into my mouth. I was afraid that I would knock him out with my noxious halitosis breath - but he instead commented on how sparkly my teeth were. Quite bemused at being told I was as strikingly beautiful as Edward Cullen (well in my head anyway) I let the poor doctor finish his work, while only occasionaly trying to lick his gloved hand.
I left feeling frustrated and tired. I had spent an hour in a confined room with one of the hottest men alive who saw more of me than some of my previous lovers, leaving with all my clothes on and a bill.
Wednesday 20 January 2010
Ladies Night
Having been quite busy at work this last week, I neglected to read the fine print when booking 4 movie tickets for tonights screening of 'Did you hear about the Morgans?' An ardent fan of anything starring Sarah Jessica Parker (hello - there are some gay traits that are simply unshakeable) I was quite excited to find a screening on Thursday night thus ensuring that I would have the weekend free to perform other schloompfing (in)activities. So in the five minutes that I had lying around - I wolfed down a raw carrot and clicked on the 'Book Now' button. Now having something to look forward to all week, I put on my smug face and returned to my role of genereal dogs body.
Yesterday however, I had the smug knocked out of me, when the Lady Married One called to inform me that I booked tickets for the 'Ladies Night' show. Aghast that such sexist social constructs are now being enforced on something as democratic as what show you want to see when, I logged on to the website. There in the tiniest print imaginable - my worst fears were confirmed. Always having considered myself one of the ladies, (despite my penchant for kickboxing and not shaving), I was sad - the 'NO MEN ALLOWED' maxim was too much to bear. My movie plans were ruined. I still cant understand how its acceptable to allow only female patrons into a dark room where they are not going to even notice who is sitting next to them.
Not wanting to see any other movie, I have made the executive decision to go in drag. Trying not to be too OTT, I figure that this subtle disguise will ensure my entrance!!!
And No - I do not care about the poor sod sitting behind me.
Yesterday however, I had the smug knocked out of me, when the Lady Married One called to inform me that I booked tickets for the 'Ladies Night' show. Aghast that such sexist social constructs are now being enforced on something as democratic as what show you want to see when, I logged on to the website. There in the tiniest print imaginable - my worst fears were confirmed. Always having considered myself one of the ladies, (despite my penchant for kickboxing and not shaving), I was sad - the 'NO MEN ALLOWED' maxim was too much to bear. My movie plans were ruined. I still cant understand how its acceptable to allow only female patrons into a dark room where they are not going to even notice who is sitting next to them.
Not wanting to see any other movie, I have made the executive decision to go in drag. Trying not to be too OTT, I figure that this subtle disguise will ensure my entrance!!!
And No - I do not care about the poor sod sitting behind me.
Pandoras Box
Dont have much time right now - so it shant be a long one. Not even sure if it will be mildly entertaining.
So I finally got my ass to the movies and saw the latest hollywood hit movie, Avatar. Not having any preconceived ideas about the show (other than hearing that it was a mash up of Pocahontas and the Smurfs - see image) I was surprisingly BLOWN AWAY by how freaking good it was. Now I know I am not the most reliable source when it comes to free thinking - I genereally am always on board the 'conformist sheep train' (as you can tell from my deep and meaningful involvement with Edward Cullen) but I must say that this movie was really worth the overpriced '3d' ticket.
Firstly - the storyline was great. I dont care if it was similar to Captain John Smith seducing the local looker - it was good. The 3d graphics were just so surreal. And dont even get me started on the rock hard abs those tribes people had. An hour into the movie I started to notice my attraction to the sexy blue warrior. Much better eye candy than James Camerons previous 3 hour epic Titanic.
However I must admit that the most gratifying part of the night was the popcorn. Having plastered my kernels with the same amount of salt that can be found in the mediterreanean sea, I found myself needing my flashlight and compass to navigate my way out of the white mist that began to form around the salting and straw table. Five handfulls in and my palette was caked with a mixture of butter-salt, fruit chutney, sour cream and chives, salt and vinegar and BBQ...
I still havent regained full use of my oral functions.....
Monday 18 January 2010
Le Hula Hoop
So I finally caved in and made my first impulse purchase of 2010 - a hula hoop.
Having once had an incredible core - I figured that I would soon get into the swing of things and be working that hoop like Shakira. Well her hips may not lie - but mines certainly do. I cannot for the life of me get this thing to stay around my waste. Given the vast expanse of fat I have sitting around that area - you think I would have no trouble balancing this little hempisphere on my rather wide galaxy. Alas.... I stood there in my garden with the neighbours suspiciously eyeing me out from the corners of their windows no doubt wondering which circus I was unceremoniously booted out of.
I tried to imagine I was using my hips for ...ahem....something a bit more fun but just as rhythmical - but not even that could help my atrocious hip/balance co-ordination.
After twenty minutes of attempts I gave up - and I convinced myself that since I could keep the hoop afloat on my neck - it was only a matter of time before I remastered the art of shaking my hips.
To make myself feel better I baked a batch of nutella cupcakes and consoled myself with the fact that you cant be an extraordinary baker and shaker in one lifetime....Thats just being greedy!
Thursday 14 January 2010
Scary Movie
I dont like being scared. Infact - I would rather see a chick flick than a scary movie any day of the week(Unless its starring my hubby R-Patz). I have a very weak constitution for all things eerie and supernatural. Seriously. I threw up in the Blair Witch project. In a paper 'Sweet from Heaven' popcorn bag which I snuck into the cinema cos I was too cheap to spring for the expensive kind at the movie kiosk. Classy. When I could feel the leakage that extra R10 wasnt looking so bad....
Alas I digress again....
So i go over to the 'Married Ones' (these are the only 2 people in the world I know that actually have a happy marirage) and for some reason these two love getting the frights. Last week for instance, I was invited around for high tea on a Friday afternoon, and instead of being greeted with a scone - I entered the doorway to hell where not only was I regailed with real life ghost stories by my hosts, but there on the TV was some poor girl engaging in a meet and greet with a zombie everytime she opened a garbage bag. Instead of just living in her own filth, the teenager continued to take the trash out expectantly waiting for another crap your pants inducing creature to pop out and scare the bejeeebers out of her.
So yesterday the lady Married one calls me and asks for some company as the man Married one has been working late all work and last night was to be no different. The lady Married one does not like being alone, and is, yes wait for it.....scared! So I go over, smokes in one hand, red velvet cupcakes in the other and walk in to find.....Another freaking HORROR movie on the TV trying to disguise itself as ambient background music.....
Me: Uhm..... WTF is that?
LMO: hahhahahahaah
Me: Didnt you call me over cos you are scared?
LMO: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Me: Then why the freaking heck is that blonde chickie spinning her hair around and screaming?
LMO: Oh shut up man - lets go smoke....
We sat outside in the airless summer heat, smoking nonchalantly, but in the corner of my eye I could still see the freakish lady doing what can only be descibed as a mash up of Michael Jackson's Thriller and Lionel Richies Dancing on the Ceiling....
After the man Married One arrvied, I left and was sure I could see a pair of eyes on my back seat. After letting out a horrifyingly blood curdling scream I realised it was only my eyes in the rear view mirror that caused the reaction. Oooh Sexy i though as I composed myself.
In any event there is a far more chilling fate awaiting me. On monday the boss man is back.
Eek.
Alas I digress again....
So i go over to the 'Married Ones' (these are the only 2 people in the world I know that actually have a happy marirage) and for some reason these two love getting the frights. Last week for instance, I was invited around for high tea on a Friday afternoon, and instead of being greeted with a scone - I entered the doorway to hell where not only was I regailed with real life ghost stories by my hosts, but there on the TV was some poor girl engaging in a meet and greet with a zombie everytime she opened a garbage bag. Instead of just living in her own filth, the teenager continued to take the trash out expectantly waiting for another crap your pants inducing creature to pop out and scare the bejeeebers out of her.
So yesterday the lady Married one calls me and asks for some company as the man Married one has been working late all work and last night was to be no different. The lady Married one does not like being alone, and is, yes wait for it.....scared! So I go over, smokes in one hand, red velvet cupcakes in the other and walk in to find.....Another freaking HORROR movie on the TV trying to disguise itself as ambient background music.....
Me: Uhm..... WTF is that?
LMO: hahhahahahaah
Me: Didnt you call me over cos you are scared?
LMO: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Me: Then why the freaking heck is that blonde chickie spinning her hair around and screaming?
LMO: Oh shut up man - lets go smoke....
We sat outside in the airless summer heat, smoking nonchalantly, but in the corner of my eye I could still see the freakish lady doing what can only be descibed as a mash up of Michael Jackson's Thriller and Lionel Richies Dancing on the Ceiling....
After the man Married One arrvied, I left and was sure I could see a pair of eyes on my back seat. After letting out a horrifyingly blood curdling scream I realised it was only my eyes in the rear view mirror that caused the reaction. Oooh Sexy i though as I composed myself.
In any event there is a far more chilling fate awaiting me. On monday the boss man is back.
Eek.
Wednesday 13 January 2010
Soup for Supper
In my never ending quest to seek out the six pack just dying to be found under the comforting layers of visceral fat - I am trying a new plan. Its not a diet - but a lifestlye change.
Its called soup for supper. I eat normal 'ABS diet' stuff during the day - do a workout everyday - and then feed my ravenous body with soup. Maybe two carrot sticks for dessert if I am in the mood to be extravagant.
Why torture myself you may ask? Well being a former fitness fanatic - I would like to get back to the point where I can run at a high speed for a long distance without the aid of my nebulizer misting up my lungs so I dont pass out... Also I have wild romantic fantasies of finally getting the ever elusive 'V'. In anatomy I think the scientific terms are 'Apollos belt', 'iliac furrow' and the ever popular 'come f*** me muscles'. Google it. In private. The images are haunting. Think Michael Phelps, Ryk Neethling, Edward Cullen!
What will I do with this 'V' I hear you ponder? Simple! I will never leave the house again! I will stay in bed all day every day with myself! I think I finally would have found what I am looking for - a deep, spiritual love with me and my 'V'. This will be the year - I can feel it!
To get there I will be making an important purchase this weekend. A hula hoop. I figure it will help me get better at other 'rhythm necessary activities' too. Alas, I digress - I'm now thinking about what a long drought its been! Sadly the only thing I am going to have today to quench the thirst is some green tea!
Adios!
Its called soup for supper. I eat normal 'ABS diet' stuff during the day - do a workout everyday - and then feed my ravenous body with soup. Maybe two carrot sticks for dessert if I am in the mood to be extravagant.
Why torture myself you may ask? Well being a former fitness fanatic - I would like to get back to the point where I can run at a high speed for a long distance without the aid of my nebulizer misting up my lungs so I dont pass out... Also I have wild romantic fantasies of finally getting the ever elusive 'V'. In anatomy I think the scientific terms are 'Apollos belt', 'iliac furrow' and the ever popular 'come f*** me muscles'. Google it. In private. The images are haunting. Think Michael Phelps, Ryk Neethling, Edward Cullen!
What will I do with this 'V' I hear you ponder? Simple! I will never leave the house again! I will stay in bed all day every day with myself! I think I finally would have found what I am looking for - a deep, spiritual love with me and my 'V'. This will be the year - I can feel it!
To get there I will be making an important purchase this weekend. A hula hoop. I figure it will help me get better at other 'rhythm necessary activities' too. Alas, I digress - I'm now thinking about what a long drought its been! Sadly the only thing I am going to have today to quench the thirst is some green tea!
Adios!
Tuesday 12 January 2010
Traffic
Its back people -
Like the cockroach under the fridge that just wont die - the Joburg Traffic is back. Describing this morning as painful and 'vein opening inducing' would be the understatement of the year. It wouldnt be unfair to say that the rush hour traffic is the bane of my existance - considering that there was more space between my foot and the accelerator then there was between my car and the one in front of me - I think I am justified in my analysis.
As I sang completely off key to distract myself from the fact that I was still single, still in a terrible job and worst of all, that I was still hovering at Marlboro Drive for the last twenty minutes, I cocked my head to the side, to see.....a real hottie patottie. Not quite in the league of my beloved Edward Cullen, although he could have passed for a second cousin twice removed.
Having roused the suspicions of the HP (well not so much roused as 'freaked the living crap out of him' by donning my monacle for a closer look) he tried to speed up. Not willing to let my chance at marriage get away on the M1, I followed intently. As we came to another deadlock, I knew I had to talk to him.
Me: Hi - Hey - ....HELLLLLLLO CAN YOU HEAR ME.....
HP : (Puts window down cautiously) Uhm - Can I help you?
Me: YES!!!! Are you SINGLE?
HP: Uhm..... Yes......
Me: STRAAAAAAAAAAIGHT?
HP: Yes - Im heading straight -
Me: NO!!!!! Are you STRAAAAAAAIGHT?
HP: Uhm.... No....... You?
Me: The home affairs office is at this off ramp - shall we go get registered?
HP: Uhm... Would you like a tissue - You appear to be drowning in your own drool....
Me: Forget that!!! Where would you like to honeymoon?
HP: The traffic is moving - BYEEE!!!!!!!!!
He zoomed off with a rather deer in the head light-ish look. Horrified at being jilted on my own wedding day, I changed the song to a dark and moody love song, wiped away the tears and reminisced over the happy memories shared between me and my almost husband.
Like the cockroach under the fridge that just wont die - the Joburg Traffic is back. Describing this morning as painful and 'vein opening inducing' would be the understatement of the year. It wouldnt be unfair to say that the rush hour traffic is the bane of my existance - considering that there was more space between my foot and the accelerator then there was between my car and the one in front of me - I think I am justified in my analysis.
As I sang completely off key to distract myself from the fact that I was still single, still in a terrible job and worst of all, that I was still hovering at Marlboro Drive for the last twenty minutes, I cocked my head to the side, to see.....a real hottie patottie. Not quite in the league of my beloved Edward Cullen, although he could have passed for a second cousin twice removed.
Having roused the suspicions of the HP (well not so much roused as 'freaked the living crap out of him' by donning my monacle for a closer look) he tried to speed up. Not willing to let my chance at marriage get away on the M1, I followed intently. As we came to another deadlock, I knew I had to talk to him.
Me: Hi - Hey - ....HELLLLLLLO CAN YOU HEAR ME.....
HP : (Puts window down cautiously) Uhm - Can I help you?
Me: YES!!!! Are you SINGLE?
HP: Uhm..... Yes......
Me: STRAAAAAAAAAAIGHT?
HP: Yes - Im heading straight -
Me: NO!!!!! Are you STRAAAAAAAIGHT?
HP: Uhm.... No....... You?
Me: The home affairs office is at this off ramp - shall we go get registered?
HP: Uhm... Would you like a tissue - You appear to be drowning in your own drool....
Me: Forget that!!! Where would you like to honeymoon?
HP: The traffic is moving - BYEEE!!!!!!!!!
He zoomed off with a rather deer in the head light-ish look. Horrified at being jilted on my own wedding day, I changed the song to a dark and moody love song, wiped away the tears and reminisced over the happy memories shared between me and my almost husband.
Monday 11 January 2010
Bat-tle against the Fat-tle....See what I did there?!
So I have just recently drafted a post - in which I explain my intentions to finally get rid off all the - post breakup, post festive, post job stress, post its Friday I should celebrate by eating a bucket of KFC downed with 2 bottles of 5th Avenue Cold Duck - weight.
In this draft, I wrote about my ups and downs - and my exact measurements and exact feelings - in a loosey goosey chronological order, punctuated with funny banter and smart similes. However something about it worried me. Not only did it detail my erratic weight distribution, but it explained at length the horrible relationship drama that caused it. Someone recently told me that I seem defeated and I carry this love gone wrong story around like a tatty old rucksack. Trust me - all my emotional baggage comes in matching Louis Vuitton. So this is why I ditched that post (as creative as it was - there was a time machine and everything!) and opted for this one - a much more light hearted yet still honest post.
Inspired by one of my favourite blogs (www.baglett.blogspot.com) I intend to also not approach life in this serious manner - but rather enjoy it (or at least try to). Dont be surprised if you see some similarities - after all - imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.....
Anyway - last year this time I was (x-15)kgs where x = Current 'Fat Ass Heffer' weight. However two years ago this time I was at my all time high of (x+20)kgs so Im still pretty ok compared to where I have been.
The goal is to get back to (x-15)kgs - and then possible lose another 8. Come on people - keep up with the Maths. Its back to school time today. Not an impossible feat as I have done it before. But Frakking Difficult! Especially for one such an undisciplined specimen such as me. Add to that my penchant for pasta - and it's going to be a long and arduous journey.
So - Let the Diary Begin.
Day one of Eternity
Weight - Someone please buzz my forklift in so I can be hauled out of my house and get to work kg's.
Actual Food so far - Protein Sandwich and 15 almonds, Green Tea.
Imagined Food so far - 1Kg King Prawns, Triple Chocolate Sundae, 5 Margaritas, Nachos Muchos Grande, After Dinner Mint.
Food to go - Carby Lunch and CabDriver Feet soup - urm I mean pea and mint Soup.
Activity Levels - Currently Schloompfing, but, will go to gym by 12pm as boss is not in.
Wow at this Rate I will be at my Mens Health photo shoot in no time!!!
In this draft, I wrote about my ups and downs - and my exact measurements and exact feelings - in a loosey goosey chronological order, punctuated with funny banter and smart similes. However something about it worried me. Not only did it detail my erratic weight distribution, but it explained at length the horrible relationship drama that caused it. Someone recently told me that I seem defeated and I carry this love gone wrong story around like a tatty old rucksack. Trust me - all my emotional baggage comes in matching Louis Vuitton. So this is why I ditched that post (as creative as it was - there was a time machine and everything!) and opted for this one - a much more light hearted yet still honest post.
Inspired by one of my favourite blogs (www.baglett.blogspot.com) I intend to also not approach life in this serious manner - but rather enjoy it (or at least try to). Dont be surprised if you see some similarities - after all - imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.....
Anyway - last year this time I was (x-15)kgs where x = Current 'Fat Ass Heffer' weight. However two years ago this time I was at my all time high of (x+20)kgs so Im still pretty ok compared to where I have been.
The goal is to get back to (x-15)kgs - and then possible lose another 8. Come on people - keep up with the Maths. Its back to school time today. Not an impossible feat as I have done it before. But Frakking Difficult! Especially for one such an undisciplined specimen such as me. Add to that my penchant for pasta - and it's going to be a long and arduous journey.
So - Let the Diary Begin.
Day one of Eternity
Weight - Someone please buzz my forklift in so I can be hauled out of my house and get to work kg's.
Actual Food so far - Protein Sandwich and 15 almonds, Green Tea.
Imagined Food so far - 1Kg King Prawns, Triple Chocolate Sundae, 5 Margaritas, Nachos Muchos Grande, After Dinner Mint.
Food to go - Carby Lunch and CabDriver Feet soup - urm I mean pea and mint Soup.
Activity Levels - Currently Schloompfing, but, will go to gym by 12pm as boss is not in.
Wow at this Rate I will be at my Mens Health photo shoot in no time!!!
Wednesday 6 January 2010
Changes
Ok people - so I have written a total of three whopping posts to date! This year is going to be different - I dont care who reads this and who doesnt - As part of my new years resolutions to do what I love in this one life that I have - I shall endeavour to write a sort of diary through this wonderful vehicle called blogging....
A note of caution - if youre wearing socks - be prepared to have them blown off!
What happened today? Hmmm - nothing of note! Wear socks tomorrow -
Now I have an urgent deadline - so today will not be a biggie. Im going to attempt to drag my walrus sized ass to the gym (went a total of once in December) after work and then possibly see a movie (or go home and watch grey's - some things never change!)....
Much Love and Later Dayz!
CM
A note of caution - if youre wearing socks - be prepared to have them blown off!
What happened today? Hmmm - nothing of note! Wear socks tomorrow -
Now I have an urgent deadline - so today will not be a biggie. Im going to attempt to drag my walrus sized ass to the gym (went a total of once in December) after work and then possibly see a movie (or go home and watch grey's - some things never change!)....
Much Love and Later Dayz!
CM
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